Boyyyyyyy, do I be looking! If any remotely attractive human of the male species walks pass, you can bet your bottom dollar that my eyes are sure to follow. I’ve been single for almost two years now and I didn’t notice that I had developed this habit until a few months ago. I honestly think I’ve noticed it a little too late in the game because my stare game as gone from clever to down right obvious, and it’s just….sad. Although I laugh at myself, the question still lingers in my mind, When did I become so desperate?” Some may believe this not to be a symptom of desperation. Ha! I’ve watched enough RomCom’s featuring single friends who haven’t got laid in awhile to know that the first sign of desperation is excessive eye contact.
Ironically I usually only catch myself being a stare-bear at church on Sunday’s. I say ironic because the saying is that most single women go to church to look for a man. My motivation is always to hear a good word from the Lord; but somehow I end up surveying the congregation during praise and worship. Trust me, if the choir isn’t all that good it’s the perfect time to check your surroundings. If I get there early enough I’m left with ample time to fully assess the subject and go off into a day-dream about how we’d look together a year from now.
I told you it’s sad.
This habit I’ve formed has somehow gotten out of control. What used to be a one-day-a-week habit for a few short hours, has turned into an any-chance-I-can-get moment that comes as second nature to me now. Allow me to put this pitiful mess into perspective: I see a guy from a few steps away. I find him attractive. I adjust myself to look presentable so that when his eyes are looking in my direction, he sees me. What’s worse is that I continue to stare until this happens, or as long as he is in the area, whichever comes first. I didn’t realize how pitiful I was until the guy politely introduced himself to my friend and continued to engage in an A & B conversation for C to find something else to do to occupy herself until they were finished.
Yes, I’ve wondered if I was lonely, too. If I was “being extra” by trying so hard to get the attention of seemingly potential suitors. I’ve even tried to help it; however, I realize that in order to truly help it I needed to get down to the root cause. I’ve managed to come up with a few theories for this lovesick behavior.
I’m batting about a 5 month average in my dating situations before something goes awry. In hindsight this is a pretty short amount of time, but when you’re in it it seems like awhile. Around this time I’m usually reevaluating the growth to ensure we’re still on the same page. Sometimes the truth comes out before I get to do so. Feelings invested starts feeling like time wasted. Is it too much to meet the Moms? I mean, geesh! I’m just trying to come through for Thanksgiving. We’ve been talking since the summer!
2. Ok, ok, ok! So I Get A Lil’ Lonely
Because hashtag’ing your IG photos with #DateNite #ITakeMyselfOut #ILoveMe gets old afterawhile and ultimately translates as a call for direct message. I’ve found myself truly convinced that I am fun to be around…until a couple walks past holding hands. Then I’m made at I and Myself for not being real people I could talk to to take my mind of the loneliness. I still love them though. They help me channel my inner thug and I suck it up soon after.
3. I miss being in “Love”
That cheesy feeling often found in RomCom’s is the best feeling in the world when you have someone to call your own. That person you learn to love unconditionally and not be default like family. It’s amazing when you can cultivate something like that. I just wanna be in that number. Besides, as the female in the equation, overly liking someone often results in a let down because you came on too strong and didn’t know it.
Crazy, right? Yeah, I said the same thing.
After becoming privy to these theories I’ve managed to scale back on how long I “review” my potential suitor. The main reason is because I’ve realized that I don’t have to do all that. It just wasn’t funny to me anymore after catching myself. Perhaps, too, because I’m just tired of the wrong person catching my eye contact in their peripheral and pursuing me. I’m too nice, and haven’t exactly mastered the skill of letting someone down easy.
While it’s ok to “look”, I am learning to look without portraying the look of desperation. That look tends to attract all the wrong people that ultimately end up in the friend zone because the feeling just isn’t mutual. My eyes should say more about me than what I have on anyway. My eyes are my resume, and I believe I have a lot more to offer than a nice smile and a few jokes.
I try to stare with eyes of enjoyment and not a quest now. I can’t get into any trouble looking from that angle.