So I’ve decided to stop looking at that girl’s page today. After adding up the seconds it took for me to type in her handle- or better yet the web address directly to her instagram to ensure I don’t double tap- I’ve lost quite a few valuable minutes of my life allowing her inuendos to influence my mood for the day. Seriously, it must’ve been somewhere around 21 minutes a week I was spending on “reviewing” her posts, sometimes longer if it were a new post with a risky caption that left me in my feelings for a few moments longer, staring in shock as to what I thought I was reading. I’m ashamed to say that that time is a lot less now due to the fact that my iPhone now auto-populates the address for me, allowing me to get there quicker to see what I needed to see and exit out.
I’m amazed at the amount of time I spent inflicting pain on myself from what I thought I was reading. I could’ve capitalized so much better on that time. They say hind sight is 20/20, and looking back on the last few weeks I’ve keep up this activity, I could’ve reached my goal weight by now. Wow! 20 minutes a week equals to 1 Insanity video, minus the warm up and cool down exercises.
Now, there’s really no need to play the angle of Captain Obvious, as we all know I am not the first woman to have done this. And far be it for me to say it’s social media’s fault for making me do it. No. The suspects in question are my strong curiosity and highly potent, God-given intuition that I gave into because my will-power was weak and my heart needed answers. Answers that only a caption or meem could provide.
All too often do I hear the saying, “It’s just Twitter/Facebook/Instagram! You can’t take it serious!” Or the ever-so-popular, “It’s my page, I’ll post what I want.” Although that is true, it begs the attention of the human being behind the posts. Their character. Their integrity. My response to such statements is always “But you’re the author.” You can’t eliminate the human element from social media. The internet is what our society looks like today; it’s no different than getting caught looking at another woman’s ass while you’re out with your woman. It’s just now it comes in the form of a “like” or a “follow”. It’s still public, just in a different location – cyberspace. How you carry yourself online is considered a part of the whole of your actual personality.
Because of this, I know that many people who socialize on the internet regularly tend to vocalize their real feelings and isues, truthfully and subliminally. So why not stop by the very place of the person who will “put it all out there” for the world to see, and therefore act as a check and balance to the intuition I felt based on his actions?
But here’s the thing…
I sought the information that could be interpreted as whatever would confirm the feelings I felt. Perfect word and hashtag placement would have me in a rut in a matter of seconds without there ever being an actual tag or like. The more vulnerable and desperate I was, the more power those posts had over me, resulting in our demise. My only justification was the fact that if he loved me he would carry himself accordingly, even on the internet; and that no woman, if it weren’t truly something going on, would say such things in their posts (unless they were crazy) that would elude to or suggest something else.
For some people, finding what you’re looking for makes it easy to follow-through with the decision you already know is right. Unfortunately you have to take the good with the bad, so finding what you’re looking for usually causes more harm, making the exit more difficult and the process of getting over more challenging. My natural instinct right now is to protect him and not let the readers look at him as some horrible person due to my feelings for him. There’s always a back story, which although contributed to the events that lead up to today, are not the focus.
It seems that social media could be blamed for making it so easy to develop such a menacing habit. And as much as I’d like to, my rational mind won’t allow it without shedding light on what was lost in order to gain this habit – my will power. I’ll never know the whole truth because I wasn’t present to witness anything. Actions reign supreme but even those are subject to interpretation.
So I’m waving the white flag, clearing my cache and riding my internet browser of all bookmarks to such stops to allow more time to reassess what I’m doing while typing the entire web address or handle in the search box. Nothing changed then and it hasn’t changed now. The waste of time and energy that I’ve willingly participated in is only a real reflection of where my focus is. An investment of that size of the most valuable asset you have should not be placed in a fickle stock. It will only bankrupt your heart and leave your feelings homeless.
I thought I had more tea…