Subject to Interpretation

So I’ve decided to stop looking at that girl’s page today. After adding up the seconds it took for me to type in her handle- or better yet the web address directly to her instagram to ensure I don’t double tap- I’ve lost quite a few valuable minutes of my life allowing her inuendos to influence my mood for the day. Seriously, it must’ve been somewhere around 21 minutes a week I was spending on “reviewing” her posts, sometimes longer if it were a new post with a risky caption that left me in my feelings for a few moments longer, staring in shock as to what I thought I was reading. I’m ashamed to say that that time is a lot less now due to the fact that my iPhone now auto-populates  the address for me, allowing me to get there quicker to see what I needed to see and exit out.

I’m amazed at the amount of time I spent inflicting pain on myself from what I thought I was reading. I could’ve capitalized so much better on that time. They say hind sight is 20/20, and looking back on the last few weeks I’ve keep up this activity, I could’ve reached my goal weight by now. Wow! 20 minutes a week equals to 1 Insanity video, minus the warm up and cool down exercises.

Now, there’s really no need to play the angle of Captain Obvious, as we all know I am not the first woman to have done this. And far be it for me to say it’s social media’s fault for making me do it. No. The suspects in question are my strong curiosity and highly potent, God-given intuition that I gave into because my will-power was weak and my heart needed answers. Answers that only a caption or meem could provide.

All too often do I hear the saying, “It’s just Twitter/Facebook/Instagram! You can’t take it serious!” Or the ever-so-popular, “It’s my page, I’ll post what I want.” Although that is true, it begs the attention of the human being behind the posts. Their character. Their integrity. My response to such statements is always “But you’re the author.” You can’t eliminate the human element from social media. The internet is what our society looks like today; it’s no different than getting caught looking at another woman’s ass while you’re out with your woman. It’s just now it comes in the form of a “like” or a “follow”. It’s still public, just in a different location – cyberspace. How you carry yourself online is considered a part of the whole of your actual personality.

Because of this, I know that many people who socialize on the internet regularly tend to vocalize their real feelings and isues, truthfully and subliminally. So why not stop by the very place of the person who will “put it all out there” for the world to see, and therefore act as a check and balance to the intuition I felt based on his actions?

But here’s the thing…

I sought the information that could be interpreted as whatever would confirm the feelings I felt. Perfect word and hashtag placement would have me in a rut in a matter of seconds without there ever being an actual tag or like. The more vulnerable and desperate I was, the more power those posts had over me, resulting in our demise. My only justification was the fact that if he loved me he would carry himself accordingly, even on the internet; and that no woman, if it weren’t truly something going on, would say such things in their posts (unless they were crazy) that would elude to or suggest something else.

For some people, finding what you’re looking for makes it easy to follow-through with the decision you already know is right. Unfortunately you have to take the good with the bad, so finding what you’re looking for usually causes more harm, making the exit more difficult and the process of getting over more challenging. My natural instinct right now is to protect him and not let the readers look at him as some horrible person due to my feelings for him. There’s always a back story, which although contributed to the events that lead up to today, are not the focus.

It seems that social media could be blamed for making it so easy to develop such a menacing habit. And as much as I’d like to, my rational mind won’t allow it without shedding light on what was lost in order to gain this habit – my will power. I’ll never know the whole truth because I wasn’t present to witness anything. Actions reign supreme but even those are subject to interpretation.

So I’m waving the white flag, clearing my cache and riding my internet browser of all bookmarks to such stops to allow more time to reassess what I’m doing while typing the entire web address or handle in the search box. Nothing changed then and it hasn’t changed now. The waste of time and energy that I’ve willingly participated in is only a real reflection of where my focus is. An investment of that size of the most valuable asset you have should not be placed in a fickle stock. It will only bankrupt your heart and leave your feelings homeless.

I thought I had more tea…

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Ben Affleck Had One Hell Of An Effect On Me Tonight

Tomorrow it starts. Tomorrow I have to do something. I have to get on my grind. There’s more to life than just working to pay bills. And from the looks of things, I’ve literally packed up and moved across the country to do the same exact thing I’ve been doing since I was 15.

Work.

I can’t die not having realized my current mindset. My “fiction.” Now this isn’t a suicide post by any means, so don’t go liking and reposting my words thinking it’s a cry for help. It’s merely my speaking into existence a heart-felt belief.

I’d be one unhappy angel if I died today; but I couldn’t be mad at nobody but myself for having sat on the most precious asset I own right now…time.

I often sit and wonder how many people are doing just that on their dreams. Talents. Beliefs, even. I even go so far as to wonder how many people ascended to a supernatural place and were upset to find out that the case they should’ve picked was the one with the million dollars in it. The case that had promised them everything they wanted but instead they “took the deal” and settled. We humans can’t do that. We’re not built to do that. It’s not only bad for our backs but it’s worse on our minds. “Wondering” is no way to live. I wouldn’t wish that on my own worse enemy.

So tomorrow it starts. But now it begins.

IDGAFWYT: Empty Your Pockets

Man, have you ever been caught up in what other people thought of you? No? Well, I have. I often find myself stuck in the traffic jam of perception people have of me. Hell, I even think about what the people I haven’t met yet think of me.

If I don’t lose sleep over the dumbest shit *smh*

Perhaps I’ve taken this “perfectionist” thing a little too far. I tend to ponder on the play-by-play of an action until I’ve virtually talked myself out of doing it for whatever strange reason; yet it ultimately has something to do with how it will be received.

The long and the short of this post is the admit that I am stuck because I’m fixated on things that are outside of my control. I force myself to perfect my plans in my mind before putting them to action so as to get it right on the first try. My mind has built this impossibly perfect world for me to drive myself crazy in with thoughts that have yet to see the light of day or a pavement to hit the ground and run on. And it truly amazes me in the worse way to see the very things I’ve conjured up in my mind come to life at the hand of somebody else on Instagram.

I read this…passage…out of a pretty cool book called “Proverbs” that really resonated so loudly in my head that I was practically tone deaf after my amazement fizzled out:

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare…” (Prov 29:25)

It goes on to say something about trusting in the Lord and being kept safe, but that’s not the focus right now. Surprised that this got my attention the way it did, my mind eventually started to slow down and figure out ways to reverse this toxic way of thinking. I’ve wasted the last 2 years worried about the very things that I can’t do anything about to the point of becoming stagnant. My heart was beginning to harden because of my inability to remove myself from this quicksand like state of mind. Idea after idea became shelved next to unfinished projects and “nah, nevermind’s”. And slowly but surely I began to resent my dreams and wished I had not desire to chase them and to just live and work a good job.

A mind without focus will wander off into places that you’re not built to go. Sometimes we drift off too deep into places that we can’t swim out of, not sure of how we got there in the first place. The mind will run amuck if there’s not control over it. In my position I can only be headed towards bitterness if I don’t act now.

So to circumvent that, I have to adopt the IDGAF attitude. This is something that is incredibly hard for me to do as I tend to put others first before myself. This plan and caring are like oil and water: they just don’t mix.

I know there are a lot of uberly caring people in the world right now stuck at first base because they can’t get past the thought of what others may think “if.” Perhaps they, too, have deviated from the plan so as to come up with a way to fix that should the opinions of their audience go awry. If you’re one of them, I challenge you to band with me and empty your pockets. Now! This blog has turned into stick-up for snares and cares. Empty your pockets of ever possible f*ck that’s in there and throw it on the ground. Yeah, and gimme them snares that got you caught up on perfecting it before it happens.

Life if meant to be lived abundantly. You’re supposed to eat, drink, and be merry (I realize that is probably literally for some)! You can’t possibly enjoy life stuck on what anyone thinks.

Now, initiate IDGAF program. Take one of those ideas of the mental shelf. And let’s see how it goes.

Dear Famous,

I’ve gotta confess something: I only wanted to be an actress because you came with it. The idea of knowing virtually everybody and everyone knowing me no matter where I went was like… the GREATEST thing in the world to me. At just 7 years old, my goal in life was to acquire as many friends as I could and by age 10 bask in my fame forever. I’d have options of who I wanted to play with, and would ultimately set the world record for the largest sleepover in America. My service would be to people, making them laugh and pretty much making their lives better. I’d be their reminder that life wasn’t that bad after all using comedy as the elixir for healing. At 7, my life’s summation was that I was a pretty dope person and the world would be a better place if they knew me.

But that was before I was privy to all the bullshit that you conveniently hid and could potentially come with you…

I was under the impression that all I had to do was be uber talented and nice to folk, and then you’d come for me. You’d put me in a position to display these gifts and the rest would be history. The samples in your store showed me people who came from years of hard work strengthening their gifts to get where they were and there wasn’t much negative feedback going on about any of them. Some seemed to float on their success for extended periods of time without putting much work out as there wasn’t many people who were employed by the Fame department.

Present Day: Now? You are something else. I’ve decided that you must be a woman. You HAVE to be! And one with some pretty low standards because you take what you can get and make it popular enough to generate revenue. Have you seen the things that have gone viral lately? Oh, Lord Jesus! From that alone I’ve concluded that you must be decent looking enough because people tend to chase you and do just about anything for you. In today’s society, you probably possess a fat-ass; an epidemic that seems to be spreading like wild-fire.

C’mon now, Fame. Don’t act like you haven’t seen it. Ratchet TV featuring washed-up stars and their family members. Men acting as the local-area hoodrat…I’m sorry, “thot”, for 15 seconds. And exceptionally beautiful women pounding make-up on their faces, blowing up their private parts, magically growing hair to their ankles, losing more layers of clothing by the second, and using a vertical metal bar are their profession. The taboo has come out of hiding to entertain the world. It’s no secret anymore! How am I supposed to compete with that?!

This idea of who you are has changed drastically over the years. The people who were apart of you seemed happy and had mind-blowing talent that took years of sacrifice to build in order to receive recognition from millions. The representative I spoke to assured me that my gift would benefit the world. It seems now you’ve made it harder for me to give my gift away with all the saturation that I live amongst.

So, there seems to be a problem with the brochure I received some 20-something years ago. You see, no one mentioned that you’d have to work twice as hard to stay famous for a 1/4 of the time for what you became famous for. Perhaps the sales agent could’ve informed me that this life came equipped with subjecting yourself to the judgement of others from every little thing you do or don’t do at any second of the day. Instead of applauding those who you’ve put out in front, all I hear is criticize, criticize, criticize. Oh, and the stress! Can’t forget that. The young people that you’ve employed are looking awfully aged these days.

These days I’m not too confident in your product. I’m honestly afraid to use it for fear of wasting even more time than I have waiting on it. From the events I’ve witnessed, it’s not looking too good out here for you.

I have to say, Fame, you’ve kinda let me down. The things I’ve seen from you have made me second guess this dream of mine a lot as of late. In fact, thinking about it so much has instilled so much fear in me that I’ve wasted time just debating on taking the first step, which was relocating. I’ve often found myself chasing you like the rest just for the attention, however short-lived it was, willing to stoop to the level of ignorance just to get you to notice me; but whenever Reality decided to intervene, I’d quickly come to my senses realizing how “not about that life” I was at maintaining whatever momentum I’d gain from it. It’s too much!

And since we’re on the subject, how’s about that longevity feature you told me about? Yeah. That doesn’t even show up in the new brochures you give out now. Seems that the value of this feature has diminished greatly from years to weeks. Thousands of people are here today and gone by this afternoon because you’ve over-sold spots of stardom to keep yourself in business. It seems you lack judgement now and the requirements for obtaining longevity are almost impossible to attain. Then again, those people are cool with the little wave they do get. X amount of followers equals longevity on the ‘gram.

But there’s no craft. Just trends now. Look what you’ve done!

Don’t make me stoop to the minimum to get you. From the things I’ve seen you do, you’re worth more than that. And quite frankly I don’t want the part of you that’s been whore’d out. I want the good part of what’s left of you to do something with. See, I’m not in this for a short time. You interrupted a dream I’ve had for many years for a reason and now I’m expecting you to live up to my expectations. You played a part in my construction of these expectations.

So I’m holding you to it.

Meanwhile, I’ll get back to working on getting out of my own way. Just know that when you do come for me, you better come correct.

And you can keep that 15 minutes you been slanging, too. ‘Cuz I ain’t buying.

-Terrell

Operation: Termination

I witnessed the most embarrassing and inconveniencing thing an adult can go through at their job: my co-worker getting fired. Whether it’s self-inflicted in order to sit on your ass and collect employment or a total surprise, going through it is no fun. At all.

Think about it! Because there are usually signs that we never pay attention to when it happens:
1: You come in and are having an unusually good day for the first time in a long while,
2: Your coworkers are being weird or awkward situations are occurring that’s got you raising an eyebrow while the writing is being scripted on the walls,
3: You get pulled into an office to meet a person you’ve never seen before from a department that you thought was in another building (or city, for that matter).

Now I don’t know the situation fully regarding his termination, but I can assure you he wasn’t too happy about it. To be honest, I wasn’t too happy about it either. And I attribute all of that to how it was executed. I’d never seen a termination go down like a fire drill but perhaps it was necessary.

I had a call come in when my manager came and politely told my colleague she had to leave now and that she would be paid for the rest of the day. My initial thought was “whoa! this place is cut throat! They couldn’t pull her in the office to tell her that?” It was only minutes later that I noticed she wasn’t the only one leaving. And shortly after that, I was the ONLY ONE LEFT! My department had cleared out in 3 minutes flat and I, the TEMP, was left to cover. Odd right?

Long story short, I noticed my colleague was still around just not at his desk. Me being the woman that I am, it didn’t take long to put two and two together. However, it was mind-boggling that the entire department was released… for a termination.

Ok, yeah, there have been some retaliations in other places from people lashing out at employers for letting them go. But what’s the likelihood of that actually going down, right? I guess these are things we never think of if they’re not close to home. Moreover, it’s something I’m surprised a company actually implemented as a security mechanism for their employees. In other words, it was weird to actually see.

BUT WHY WAS iiiiiii STILL LEFT TO WORK?

Is my life not worthy of saving? Or is it because I’m not on the payroll that I was left to be a casualty?

I left work today baffled at the events that occurred in that last hour. As I watched my colleague depart with box in tow, I had trouble empathizing with him because I was stuck on the fact that I was still at work and left at risk for anything that may’ve happened as a result of his termination.

I gotta start my own business now.

I Thought This “High” Was Supposed To Be Euphoric?

Somebody set me up.

Nah.

Somebody flat out lied to me.

iiiiii was under the impression that once I turned 29 my life would be perfect. On track. “Headed in the right direction.” Well, I assessed the situation today and determined that I’m not even close.

Nope. Not by a long shot.

I’ve decided I am not happy. Well, I am not as happy as I want to be, let alone should be. A few weeks ago I would be on the brink of having an anxiety attack just from dwelling on this thought longer than a minute. Then my attitude would switch up like the wind as I start to return snippy comments to anything anyone said around me because I decided at that moment I didn’t like it. But after realizing how cry-babyish that made me, I’d feel bad, then beat myself into a bloody pulp mentally because I’m mad at myself for being so mean to people who didn’t even do anything.

I go through this from time to time. Today was just different.

Unlike some people my age who are just unhappy with where they are in life, I am just legit tired of where I am in life. I could list the many things I hate or am tired of but really the long and the short of it is:

My back hurts.

And I just want lay in a bed.