Subject to Interpretation

So I’ve decided to stop looking at that girl’s page today. After adding up the seconds it took for me to type in her handle- or better yet the web address directly to her instagram to ensure I don’t double tap- I’ve lost quite a few valuable minutes of my life allowing her inuendos to influence my mood for the day. Seriously, it must’ve been somewhere around 21 minutes a week I was spending on “reviewing” her posts, sometimes longer if it were a new post with a risky caption that left me in my feelings for a few moments longer, staring in shock as to what I thought I was reading. I’m ashamed to say that that time is a lot less now due to the fact that my iPhone now auto-populates  the address for me, allowing me to get there quicker to see what I needed to see and exit out.

I’m amazed at the amount of time I spent inflicting pain on myself from what I thought I was reading. I could’ve capitalized so much better on that time. They say hind sight is 20/20, and looking back on the last few weeks I’ve keep up this activity, I could’ve reached my goal weight by now. Wow! 20 minutes a week equals to 1 Insanity video, minus the warm up and cool down exercises.

Now, there’s really no need to play the angle of Captain Obvious, as we all know I am not the first woman to have done this. And far be it for me to say it’s social media’s fault for making me do it. No. The suspects in question are my strong curiosity and highly potent, God-given intuition that I gave into because my will-power was weak and my heart needed answers. Answers that only a caption or meem could provide.

All too often do I hear the saying, “It’s just Twitter/Facebook/Instagram! You can’t take it serious!” Or the ever-so-popular, “It’s my page, I’ll post what I want.” Although that is true, it begs the attention of the human being behind the posts. Their character. Their integrity. My response to such statements is always “But you’re the author.” You can’t eliminate the human element from social media. The internet is what our society looks like today; it’s no different than getting caught looking at another woman’s ass while you’re out with your woman. It’s just now it comes in the form of a “like” or a “follow”. It’s still public, just in a different location – cyberspace. How you carry yourself online is considered a part of the whole of your actual personality.

Because of this, I know that many people who socialize on the internet regularly tend to vocalize their real feelings and isues, truthfully and subliminally. So why not stop by the very place of the person who will “put it all out there” for the world to see, and therefore act as a check and balance to the intuition I felt based on his actions?

But here’s the thing…

I sought the information that could be interpreted as whatever would confirm the feelings I felt. Perfect word and hashtag placement would have me in a rut in a matter of seconds without there ever being an actual tag or like. The more vulnerable and desperate I was, the more power those posts had over me, resulting in our demise. My only justification was the fact that if he loved me he would carry himself accordingly, even on the internet; and that no woman, if it weren’t truly something going on, would say such things in their posts (unless they were crazy) that would elude to or suggest something else.

For some people, finding what you’re looking for makes it easy to follow-through with the decision you already know is right. Unfortunately you have to take the good with the bad, so finding what you’re looking for usually causes more harm, making the exit more difficult and the process of getting over more challenging. My natural instinct right now is to protect him and not let the readers look at him as some horrible person due to my feelings for him. There’s always a back story, which although contributed to the events that lead up to today, are not the focus.

It seems that social media could be blamed for making it so easy to develop such a menacing habit. And as much as I’d like to, my rational mind won’t allow it without shedding light on what was lost in order to gain this habit – my will power. I’ll never know the whole truth because I wasn’t present to witness anything. Actions reign supreme but even those are subject to interpretation.

So I’m waving the white flag, clearing my cache and riding my internet browser of all bookmarks to such stops to allow more time to reassess what I’m doing while typing the entire web address or handle in the search box. Nothing changed then and it hasn’t changed now. The waste of time and energy that I’ve willingly participated in is only a real reflection of where my focus is. An investment of that size of the most valuable asset you have should not be placed in a fickle stock. It will only bankrupt your heart and leave your feelings homeless.

I thought I had more tea…

Ben Affleck Had One Hell Of An Effect On Me Tonight

Tomorrow it starts. Tomorrow I have to do something. I have to get on my grind. There’s more to life than just working to pay bills. And from the looks of things, I’ve literally packed up and moved across the country to do the same exact thing I’ve been doing since I was 15.

Work.

I can’t die not having realized my current mindset. My “fiction.” Now this isn’t a suicide post by any means, so don’t go liking and reposting my words thinking it’s a cry for help. It’s merely my speaking into existence a heart-felt belief.

I’d be one unhappy angel if I died today; but I couldn’t be mad at nobody but myself for having sat on the most precious asset I own right now…time.

I often sit and wonder how many people are doing just that on their dreams. Talents. Beliefs, even. I even go so far as to wonder how many people ascended to a supernatural place and were upset to find out that the case they should’ve picked was the one with the million dollars in it. The case that had promised them everything they wanted but instead they “took the deal” and settled. We humans can’t do that. We’re not built to do that. It’s not only bad for our backs but it’s worse on our minds. “Wondering” is no way to live. I wouldn’t wish that on my own worse enemy.

So tomorrow it starts. But now it begins.

IDGAFWYT: Empty Your Pockets

Man, have you ever been caught up in what other people thought of you? No? Well, I have. I often find myself stuck in the traffic jam of perception people have of me. Hell, I even think about what the people I haven’t met yet think of me.

If I don’t lose sleep over the dumbest shit *smh*

Perhaps I’ve taken this “perfectionist” thing a little too far. I tend to ponder on the play-by-play of an action until I’ve virtually talked myself out of doing it for whatever strange reason; yet it ultimately has something to do with how it will be received.

The long and the short of this post is the admit that I am stuck because I’m fixated on things that are outside of my control. I force myself to perfect my plans in my mind before putting them to action so as to get it right on the first try. My mind has built this impossibly perfect world for me to drive myself crazy in with thoughts that have yet to see the light of day or a pavement to hit the ground and run on. And it truly amazes me in the worse way to see the very things I’ve conjured up in my mind come to life at the hand of somebody else on Instagram.

I read this…passage…out of a pretty cool book called “Proverbs” that really resonated so loudly in my head that I was practically tone deaf after my amazement fizzled out:

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare…” (Prov 29:25)

It goes on to say something about trusting in the Lord and being kept safe, but that’s not the focus right now. Surprised that this got my attention the way it did, my mind eventually started to slow down and figure out ways to reverse this toxic way of thinking. I’ve wasted the last 2 years worried about the very things that I can’t do anything about to the point of becoming stagnant. My heart was beginning to harden because of my inability to remove myself from this quicksand like state of mind. Idea after idea became shelved next to unfinished projects and “nah, nevermind’s”. And slowly but surely I began to resent my dreams and wished I had not desire to chase them and to just live and work a good job.

A mind without focus will wander off into places that you’re not built to go. Sometimes we drift off too deep into places that we can’t swim out of, not sure of how we got there in the first place. The mind will run amuck if there’s not control over it. In my position I can only be headed towards bitterness if I don’t act now.

So to circumvent that, I have to adopt the IDGAF attitude. This is something that is incredibly hard for me to do as I tend to put others first before myself. This plan and caring are like oil and water: they just don’t mix.

I know there are a lot of uberly caring people in the world right now stuck at first base because they can’t get past the thought of what others may think “if.” Perhaps they, too, have deviated from the plan so as to come up with a way to fix that should the opinions of their audience go awry. If you’re one of them, I challenge you to band with me and empty your pockets. Now! This blog has turned into stick-up for snares and cares. Empty your pockets of ever possible f*ck that’s in there and throw it on the ground. Yeah, and gimme them snares that got you caught up on perfecting it before it happens.

Life if meant to be lived abundantly. You’re supposed to eat, drink, and be merry (I realize that is probably literally for some)! You can’t possibly enjoy life stuck on what anyone thinks.

Now, initiate IDGAF program. Take one of those ideas of the mental shelf. And let’s see how it goes.

From Detroit to LA: Landing on my Feet

Welp, I’m here now! In Sunny SoCal, trying to adjust to the time, the people, the traffic, and the way of life. Everything is different, even right down to the interview process to get a job. My first interview was for a customer service position. Needless to say, I left frustrated with my performance with all the ethical questions they had asked me. I had to double-check my inbox to see exactly what I had applied for. After the first 3 questions, I was read to tap out and leave. I couldn’t take anymore. Perhaps that’s what I get for being overly confident in my interviewing skills for customer service jobs. I stayed and finished the interview as best as I could. If they called me, I’d be surprised….and thought they were being funny.

I’m also not accustomed to completing screenings in person. If this is not an interview, why am I here in person? Well, I guess that’s what the staffing agencies do here. I got suckered into two of those yesterday. If only they were phone screens rather than in-person visits, maybe my front end would still be in tack because I would’ve missed the bastard that turned in front of me. Thank goodness for insurance. Besides, it wasn’t that bad but it’s bad enough for me. Like my dad said, it’s just a car.

Now that I am here I am interested in how certain of my life will play out. Especially my love life. Back home it was a joke. And right now it still is, considering the fact that I can only get a good 6 months in if I’m lucky before things go awry. I guess some people really aren’t as ready for the long run as they thought they were. I have a friend who’s twice my age trying to make me his girlfriend. The only problem with that is if I don’t text back fast enough, he accuses me of already have a boyfriend. That has to be a sign for something, I just don’t know what yet.

When I’m not applying for all the jobs in the world, I’m mentally preoccupied with thoughts of what my ex is really doing. Yeah, he’s back. It’s interesting the things I come up with in my head. I tell you, my intuition makes me very creative. It eventually becomes too overwhelming, which causes me to sub-tweet on Twitter about him, or broadcast the fact I’m in LA to fish out new friends. Hey, desperate times calls for desperate measures. And I made 4 new friends because of it yesterday.

This is life in LA 1.5 weeks in.

 

Operation: Relocation….Complete!

So, I actually did it this time. I followed thru with what I stated to a few people back home who I am sure were skeptical about it. Little do they know my telling them was helping me to keep my word to myself.

It all seems so surreal. It actually feels like I’m on vacation just with no return ticket back any time soon. To some that is a good feeling to have but it hasn’t exactly been that for me. Besides, I don’t know many people who seek employment while on vacation if they’re not planning on staying for good.

Nonetheless I’ve learned the importance of having a strong support system when making a move like this. After what could be the worst interview I’ve ever had happened yesterday, my good friend lifted my spirits by laughing at my jokes and taking me to have drinks at the local Asian restaurant down the road. Once my nerves were calmed, he was able to help me turn the outcome around and look at it a different way. I left motivated, encouraged, and full from the delicious Sukiyaki dish that I practically devoured as a result of intense frustration. I am blessed to have such a strong support systems in place.  It makes up for my not having all the money in the world and seeking employment before my next car payment is due.

This Dream-Chasing Thing’s Got Me Thinking

It’s probably best that I get this out rather than keeping it bottled in where it will only continue to fester. So here goes: I’m not sure about my dream anymore. Yup, that’s the honest-to-goodness truth. I never thought I’d ever second guess my dream but here I am today, just days away from boarding the plane to stardom and I…don’t…know.

Sure, I could attribute some of those thoughts to anxiety or nervousness building up as Saturday draws nearer. However, this thought it’s exactly new. Or maybe it’s because I haven’t actually been working at it that I feel this way. Yet, the passion or desire that was once there has pretty much disappeared.

I still get excited when I see stars on television or hear of overnight success stories and wish that were me, but the work that goes into it either discourages me or causes me to lose interest. I still claim it as my dream though!

This is actually a matter of the heart and its focus, which just so happens to be locked in on a person rather than a dream. My dream is that person and in this dream I am much happier. My heart desires that person rather than this dream.

Vague, I know. I’m digging though.

And So The Next Thing I Did Was…

Yeah, I wasn’t joking. I put in my two-week notice to my job on Monday. Purchased a 1-way ticket on Tuesday. Scheduled the shipment of my car today. Going out on a limb with no job lined up, my last in my pockets, and a whole lot of faith.

For some odd reason though, this feels good. Of course, having some type of security is the best way to do things – after all, we’re programmed to be “responsible” once we reach adulthood. But what happens when you just need some unplanned excitement in your life that requires some sort of risk or sacrifice?

I felt I was reaching that point when I felt a sense of complacency lingering over my head. I was becoming too indifferent about a lot of things I should have had a black or white opinion on. I knew the things I wanted to do, but just couldn’t allow myself to take as big a risk to get it. I had this idea that I could shave some of the risk and essentially obtain more for less. Nah, son.

Although much of what we get doesn’t require much, others things do. And they won’t take anything less. The time is now. And even though I’m not in the most perfect position to relocate, I am confident I will be just fine. Essentially, that’s all I need.

See you soon, LA. 9 more days

 

Embarking: Woof, woof.

I’m just going to put it out there in the universe: I’m relocating to LA!

With much more excitement than how it reads, I am embracing a new chapter of my life for reasons other than the scenery and the lifetime supply of Summer weather. Sure, I have dreams and aspirations to “make it”; but I believe that in order to get there I have to first face my fear and do something almost irrational, if for no other reason than to have a story to tell to my unborn children’s children. So, I’m moving just over 2500 miles away from where I am now with not a lot of money, a futon to crash on, and no job lined up. Smart, I know.

Before you place the irrational stamp on my endeavor, hear me out.

See, I’ve always wanted to move away and live in a new place completely different than what I’m accustomed to. My first dream was NYC, then it was Chicago. Until a friend made me realize that if I want to go someone different I shouldn’t relocate to a place that ultimately looks the same as where I’m coming from. So Cali it is! But that’s not the full story.

I made the decision to move to LA a little over 3 years ago and immediately mapped out my financial planned to go out there with this ginormous amount of cash (i.e., $10,000) to feel comfortable until things got tough or I got let go from a job. I truly believed I could do this while on unemployment. It was totally possible considering that all I had was a car note, a cell phone bill, and was living at home with dad after having been laid off from my job. I found this plan more and more difficult to stick to because it required a lot of sacrifices I wasn’t really ready to make, such as not going out to eat as much or vacating to the city every weekend to attend some $5 event. I found myself continuing the same habits and putting off sticking to the plan. Before I knew it, the unemployment was running out and I had to find a job to help me save for this “move” I was getting ready to make.

I’ve had a one-way ticket to LA that started out with one date, turned into another, and ended up being a vacation after I purchased a return ticket back to where I came from.

What happened? I got there and wasn’t ready to stay.

I was scared because I didn’t have any money saved other than the money I came with, and a new job I was only 3 months into. I let uncertainty scare me away and back on a plane to the Midwest.

While I knew it was where I wanted to be I was afraid of things not working out; the possibility of all the bad things happening and no chance of things working in my favor. I focused on the journey ahead rather than the prize at the end of it and stayed stuck in fear and discouragement, afraid to set yet a third departure date. So I did what any scared adult would do: renew my lease at my apartment complex and worked my job a little longer for resume purposes.

Once I got back from what was supposed to be my final destination it hit me: I’m merely existing and not living. It really didn’t hit home until I was able to really see the people around me simply operating in the capacity that was normal to them; AKA: doing what they gotta do. Although there is nothing wrong with this, it worries me because it makes me wonder how many of them felt this same urgency in their stomachs but never acted on it. How many people heard the phone ringing inside their heart to do something but didn’t answer the phone thinking it was a bill collector. We all know the heart wants what the heart wants, but unfortunately for him we allow the mind to play parent to this organ, treating it like a kid who only wants what it sees. The mind rationalizes while the heart often fantasizes. But isn’t that where dreams come from?

I don’t mind working and enjoy my job a lot actually. Yet, I can’t seem to get to this phone that’s ringing off the hook in my heart and I’m afraid that if I don’t hurry up and answer it they’ll stop calling. So I answered, and this is how the conversation went:

Me: Hello..?

Desire: Hey! I’m sorry for calling so much but…

Me: But…what?

Desire: I had to tell you this…

Me: What?…who is this?

Desire: It’s Desire. I’ve been calling you for the longest. I was starting to worry that I had the wrong number. This is Tami, right?

Me: Uh, yeah…this is. What are you calling for?

Desire: I’m calling to tell you that I want out.

Me: out? Where are you?

Desire: I’ve been locked inside this heart of yours for years and I’m ready to get out! You can’t just keep me in here you know.

Me: Well…I mean. I have no where for you to go just yet. There’s just…I just can’t right now but I’m working on it.

Desire: You don’t understand, I have to get out of here. You need to let me out.

Me: Ok, well…uh.. Can’t you just wait a little bit longer? I’m telling you, I’ll have a place for you in a few months.

Desire: I don’t know…I’m afraid I might die in here if you don’t get me out right now.

 

A lot of times we receive information like this that we’re not necessarily prepared for but have no other choice but to act now before it’s too late. Granted, you have a choice in everything you do, but when the choice is obvious, fear often grabs hold of the mic and tells you otherwise. And so you hang up the phone.

I’ve wasted a lot of years thinking and planning for the right time to make this happen because I am a person who just has to have her ducks in a row before doing anything. This has done nothing but cause me to stare at my ducks and contemplate on all the ways I can arrange them. I no longer want to think about everything too much and not do. There’s no way to find out if anything of these ducks will lay eggs until they have them.

I made my decision to just go when I was faced with the question of whether or not I’d be happy with dying today knowing I hadn’t tried my hand at this goal yet. I envisioned a very unhappy angel in Heaven, mad at not having had enough time to do all that she wanted and see what working at her dreams would bring. In fact, it wasn’t even the same when God showed her what would’ve happen had she.

So! I’m quitting my job because jobs come a dime a dozen (yes, even McDonalds) and going for it. I want to see that angel smile when she gets there. And besides, if it doesn’t work out it’ll make one hell of a story to tell.

———————————————————————————————————-

I’ve always wanted to share this story out loud but was too afraid of the criticism I would receive from those I told. Moreover, I didn’t want the objections to penetrate once I did make up my mind. I’ve kept this to myself for quite some time to make sure that I limited the amount of people I would have to given an explanation to should this all change. So far it hasn’t. I encourage you to chase your dreams and know that if it literally doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger. I’m sure you could use all the strength you could get if you’re going after something. Life is meant to be lived. You can bounce back from anything you want if you put your time to it. So go ahead and write that story whether it’s a success or a failure. Enjoy living the story with every stroke of your actions as they are the pen. Good and Bad. You’d be amazed at how many people would want to read it.

 

Hey There, Boyfriend

Yeah, you. Boyfriend.

Why haven’t you called me yet?

Oh. Because you don’t exist yet.

That’s cool.

I can wait.

I mean, it’s only been FOREVER anyway. What’s a little longer?

Trying Not to Try: Overthinking My Boundaries

So I’m trying this new thing where I don’t try to do the things I want to do.

I guess one would call that spontaneity.

Although I wouldn’t call it that, I guess. But, for the lack of a better word, we will use that.

Anyway. I’m trying not to do too much thinking when it comes to actually doing something. I often find myself over-thinking and thus, thinking myself right out of doing something. I have no idea where all this thinking I’ve been doing has come from or where it first started, but I can tell you, I don’t like it.

Nope. Not at all. Not one bit.

And it happens WITHOUT THINKING! It’s like I can’t control it. When I decide I want to do something, my brain decides to think about it a little longer. Those few seconds between the decision and actually starting could possibly be the reason for the interception by my mind deciding to take a different route and think about it. I mean, of course, with some decisions it requires some thought. But how long should you really take to think about something you’ve already decided on? Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for that. Perhaps my brain hasn’t thought of one or came up with too many answers.

I’ve noticed that I’ve done more thinking than doing with even the simplest tasks. I could decide to wash the dishes….annnnddd then the thought of how I am going to wash the dishes comes up. “Dishwasher? Hand-wash? Is there even anymore dishwasher soap left to use? When should I start?” And the thoughts go on and on. I’ve noticed though that I’ve become stuck. Unable to move forward with a decision due to having too many options or the inability to come up with the right one. While I am in thought, there is usually no action.

And the tasks keep piling up.

Dreams keep getting deferred.

Perhaps I am just having a moment. Or maybe trying to break this vicious cycle that has crippled me from taking the first step towards completion.

Let me think about it.