IDGAFWYT: Empty Your Pockets

Man, have you ever been caught up in what other people thought of you? No? Well, I have. I often find myself stuck in the traffic jam of perception people have of me. Hell, I even think about what the people I haven’t met yet think of me.

If I don’t lose sleep over the dumbest shit *smh*

Perhaps I’ve taken this “perfectionist” thing a little too far. I tend to ponder on the play-by-play of an action until I’ve virtually talked myself out of doing it for whatever strange reason; yet it ultimately has something to do with how it will be received.

The long and the short of this post is the admit that I am stuck because I’m fixated on things that are outside of my control. I force myself to perfect my plans in my mind before putting them to action so as to get it right on the first try. My mind has built this impossibly perfect world for me to drive myself crazy in with thoughts that have yet to see the light of day or a pavement to hit the ground and run on. And it truly amazes me in the worse way to see the very things I’ve conjured up in my mind come to life at the hand of somebody else on Instagram.

I read this…passage…out of a pretty cool book called “Proverbs” that really resonated so loudly in my head that I was practically tone deaf after my amazement fizzled out:

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare…” (Prov 29:25)

It goes on to say something about trusting in the Lord and being kept safe, but that’s not the focus right now. Surprised that this got my attention the way it did, my mind eventually started to slow down and figure out ways to reverse this toxic way of thinking. I’ve wasted the last 2 years worried about the very things that I can’t do anything about to the point of becoming stagnant. My heart was beginning to harden because of my inability to remove myself from this quicksand like state of mind. Idea after idea became shelved next to unfinished projects and “nah, nevermind’s”. And slowly but surely I began to resent my dreams and wished I had not desire to chase them and to just live and work a good job.

A mind without focus will wander off into places that you’re not built to go. Sometimes we drift off too deep into places that we can’t swim out of, not sure of how we got there in the first place. The mind will run amuck if there’s not control over it. In my position I can only be headed towards bitterness if I don’t act now.

So to circumvent that, I have to adopt the IDGAF attitude. This is something that is incredibly hard for me to do as I tend to put others first before myself. This plan and caring are like oil and water: they just don’t mix.

I know there are a lot of uberly caring people in the world right now stuck at first base because they can’t get past the thought of what others may think “if.” Perhaps they, too, have deviated from the plan so as to come up with a way to fix that should the opinions of their audience go awry. If you’re one of them, I challenge you to band with me and empty your pockets. Now! This blog has turned into stick-up for snares and cares. Empty your pockets of ever possible f*ck that’s in there and throw it on the ground. Yeah, and gimme them snares that got you caught up on perfecting it before it happens.

Life if meant to be lived abundantly. You’re supposed to eat, drink, and be merry (I realize that is probably literally for some)! You can’t possibly enjoy life stuck on what anyone thinks.

Now, initiate IDGAF program. Take one of those ideas of the mental shelf. And let’s see how it goes.

From Detroit to LA: Landing on my Feet

Welp, I’m here now! In Sunny SoCal, trying to adjust to the time, the people, the traffic, and the way of life. Everything is different, even right down to the interview process to get a job. My first interview was for a customer service position. Needless to say, I left frustrated with my performance with all the ethical questions they had asked me. I had to double-check my inbox to see exactly what I had applied for. After the first 3 questions, I was read to tap out and leave. I couldn’t take anymore. Perhaps that’s what I get for being overly confident in my interviewing skills for customer service jobs. I stayed and finished the interview as best as I could. If they called me, I’d be surprised….and thought they were being funny.

I’m also not accustomed to completing screenings in person. If this is not an interview, why am I here in person? Well, I guess that’s what the staffing agencies do here. I got suckered into two of those yesterday. If only they were phone screens rather than in-person visits, maybe my front end would still be in tack because I would’ve missed the bastard that turned in front of me. Thank goodness for insurance. Besides, it wasn’t that bad but it’s bad enough for me. Like my dad said, it’s just a car.

Now that I am here I am interested in how certain of my life will play out. Especially my love life. Back home it was a joke. And right now it still is, considering the fact that I can only get a good 6 months in if I’m lucky before things go awry. I guess some people really aren’t as ready for the long run as they thought they were. I have a friend who’s twice my age trying to make me his girlfriend. The only problem with that is if I don’t text back fast enough, he accuses me of already have a boyfriend. That has to be a sign for something, I just don’t know what yet.

When I’m not applying for all the jobs in the world, I’m mentally preoccupied with thoughts of what my ex is really doing. Yeah, he’s back. It’s interesting the things I come up with in my head. I tell you, my intuition makes me very creative. It eventually becomes too overwhelming, which causes me to sub-tweet on Twitter about him, or broadcast the fact I’m in LA to fish out new friends. Hey, desperate times calls for desperate measures. And I made 4 new friends because of it yesterday.

This is life in LA 1.5 weeks in.

 

Operation: Relocation….Complete!

So, I actually did it this time. I followed thru with what I stated to a few people back home who I am sure were skeptical about it. Little do they know my telling them was helping me to keep my word to myself.

It all seems so surreal. It actually feels like I’m on vacation just with no return ticket back any time soon. To some that is a good feeling to have but it hasn’t exactly been that for me. Besides, I don’t know many people who seek employment while on vacation if they’re not planning on staying for good.

Nonetheless I’ve learned the importance of having a strong support system when making a move like this. After what could be the worst interview I’ve ever had happened yesterday, my good friend lifted my spirits by laughing at my jokes and taking me to have drinks at the local Asian restaurant down the road. Once my nerves were calmed, he was able to help me turn the outcome around and look at it a different way. I left motivated, encouraged, and full from the delicious Sukiyaki dish that I practically devoured as a result of intense frustration. I am blessed to have such a strong support systems in place.  It makes up for my not having all the money in the world and seeking employment before my next car payment is due.

This Dream-Chasing Thing’s Got Me Thinking

It’s probably best that I get this out rather than keeping it bottled in where it will only continue to fester. So here goes: I’m not sure about my dream anymore. Yup, that’s the honest-to-goodness truth. I never thought I’d ever second guess my dream but here I am today, just days away from boarding the plane to stardom and I…don’t…know.

Sure, I could attribute some of those thoughts to anxiety or nervousness building up as Saturday draws nearer. However, this thought it’s exactly new. Or maybe it’s because I haven’t actually been working at it that I feel this way. Yet, the passion or desire that was once there has pretty much disappeared.

I still get excited when I see stars on television or hear of overnight success stories and wish that were me, but the work that goes into it either discourages me or causes me to lose interest. I still claim it as my dream though!

This is actually a matter of the heart and its focus, which just so happens to be locked in on a person rather than a dream. My dream is that person and in this dream I am much happier. My heart desires that person rather than this dream.

Vague, I know. I’m digging though.

Embarking: Woof, woof.

I’m just going to put it out there in the universe: I’m relocating to LA!

With much more excitement than how it reads, I am embracing a new chapter of my life for reasons other than the scenery and the lifetime supply of Summer weather. Sure, I have dreams and aspirations to “make it”; but I believe that in order to get there I have to first face my fear and do something almost irrational, if for no other reason than to have a story to tell to my unborn children’s children. So, I’m moving just over 2500 miles away from where I am now with not a lot of money, a futon to crash on, and no job lined up. Smart, I know.

Before you place the irrational stamp on my endeavor, hear me out.

See, I’ve always wanted to move away and live in a new place completely different than what I’m accustomed to. My first dream was NYC, then it was Chicago. Until a friend made me realize that if I want to go someone different I shouldn’t relocate to a place that ultimately looks the same as where I’m coming from. So Cali it is! But that’s not the full story.

I made the decision to move to LA a little over 3 years ago and immediately mapped out my financial planned to go out there with this ginormous amount of cash (i.e., $10,000) to feel comfortable until things got tough or I got let go from a job. I truly believed I could do this while on unemployment. It was totally possible considering that all I had was a car note, a cell phone bill, and was living at home with dad after having been laid off from my job. I found this plan more and more difficult to stick to because it required a lot of sacrifices I wasn’t really ready to make, such as not going out to eat as much or vacating to the city every weekend to attend some $5 event. I found myself continuing the same habits and putting off sticking to the plan. Before I knew it, the unemployment was running out and I had to find a job to help me save for this “move” I was getting ready to make.

I’ve had a one-way ticket to LA that started out with one date, turned into another, and ended up being a vacation after I purchased a return ticket back to where I came from.

What happened? I got there and wasn’t ready to stay.

I was scared because I didn’t have any money saved other than the money I came with, and a new job I was only 3 months into. I let uncertainty scare me away and back on a plane to the Midwest.

While I knew it was where I wanted to be I was afraid of things not working out; the possibility of all the bad things happening and no chance of things working in my favor. I focused on the journey ahead rather than the prize at the end of it and stayed stuck in fear and discouragement, afraid to set yet a third departure date. So I did what any scared adult would do: renew my lease at my apartment complex and worked my job a little longer for resume purposes.

Once I got back from what was supposed to be my final destination it hit me: I’m merely existing and not living. It really didn’t hit home until I was able to really see the people around me simply operating in the capacity that was normal to them; AKA: doing what they gotta do. Although there is nothing wrong with this, it worries me because it makes me wonder how many of them felt this same urgency in their stomachs but never acted on it. How many people heard the phone ringing inside their heart to do something but didn’t answer the phone thinking it was a bill collector. We all know the heart wants what the heart wants, but unfortunately for him we allow the mind to play parent to this organ, treating it like a kid who only wants what it sees. The mind rationalizes while the heart often fantasizes. But isn’t that where dreams come from?

I don’t mind working and enjoy my job a lot actually. Yet, I can’t seem to get to this phone that’s ringing off the hook in my heart and I’m afraid that if I don’t hurry up and answer it they’ll stop calling. So I answered, and this is how the conversation went:

Me: Hello..?

Desire: Hey! I’m sorry for calling so much but…

Me: But…what?

Desire: I had to tell you this…

Me: What?…who is this?

Desire: It’s Desire. I’ve been calling you for the longest. I was starting to worry that I had the wrong number. This is Tami, right?

Me: Uh, yeah…this is. What are you calling for?

Desire: I’m calling to tell you that I want out.

Me: out? Where are you?

Desire: I’ve been locked inside this heart of yours for years and I’m ready to get out! You can’t just keep me in here you know.

Me: Well…I mean. I have no where for you to go just yet. There’s just…I just can’t right now but I’m working on it.

Desire: You don’t understand, I have to get out of here. You need to let me out.

Me: Ok, well…uh.. Can’t you just wait a little bit longer? I’m telling you, I’ll have a place for you in a few months.

Desire: I don’t know…I’m afraid I might die in here if you don’t get me out right now.

 

A lot of times we receive information like this that we’re not necessarily prepared for but have no other choice but to act now before it’s too late. Granted, you have a choice in everything you do, but when the choice is obvious, fear often grabs hold of the mic and tells you otherwise. And so you hang up the phone.

I’ve wasted a lot of years thinking and planning for the right time to make this happen because I am a person who just has to have her ducks in a row before doing anything. This has done nothing but cause me to stare at my ducks and contemplate on all the ways I can arrange them. I no longer want to think about everything too much and not do. There’s no way to find out if anything of these ducks will lay eggs until they have them.

I made my decision to just go when I was faced with the question of whether or not I’d be happy with dying today knowing I hadn’t tried my hand at this goal yet. I envisioned a very unhappy angel in Heaven, mad at not having had enough time to do all that she wanted and see what working at her dreams would bring. In fact, it wasn’t even the same when God showed her what would’ve happen had she.

So! I’m quitting my job because jobs come a dime a dozen (yes, even McDonalds) and going for it. I want to see that angel smile when she gets there. And besides, if it doesn’t work out it’ll make one hell of a story to tell.

———————————————————————————————————-

I’ve always wanted to share this story out loud but was too afraid of the criticism I would receive from those I told. Moreover, I didn’t want the objections to penetrate once I did make up my mind. I’ve kept this to myself for quite some time to make sure that I limited the amount of people I would have to given an explanation to should this all change. So far it hasn’t. I encourage you to chase your dreams and know that if it literally doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger. I’m sure you could use all the strength you could get if you’re going after something. Life is meant to be lived. You can bounce back from anything you want if you put your time to it. So go ahead and write that story whether it’s a success or a failure. Enjoy living the story with every stroke of your actions as they are the pen. Good and Bad. You’d be amazed at how many people would want to read it.

 

Trying Not to Try: Overthinking My Boundaries

So I’m trying this new thing where I don’t try to do the things I want to do.

I guess one would call that spontaneity.

Although I wouldn’t call it that, I guess. But, for the lack of a better word, we will use that.

Anyway. I’m trying not to do too much thinking when it comes to actually doing something. I often find myself over-thinking and thus, thinking myself right out of doing something. I have no idea where all this thinking I’ve been doing has come from or where it first started, but I can tell you, I don’t like it.

Nope. Not at all. Not one bit.

And it happens WITHOUT THINKING! It’s like I can’t control it. When I decide I want to do something, my brain decides to think about it a little longer. Those few seconds between the decision and actually starting could possibly be the reason for the interception by my mind deciding to take a different route and think about it. I mean, of course, with some decisions it requires some thought. But how long should you really take to think about something you’ve already decided on? Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for that. Perhaps my brain hasn’t thought of one or came up with too many answers.

I’ve noticed that I’ve done more thinking than doing with even the simplest tasks. I could decide to wash the dishes….annnnddd then the thought of how I am going to wash the dishes comes up. “Dishwasher? Hand-wash? Is there even anymore dishwasher soap left to use? When should I start?” And the thoughts go on and on. I’ve noticed though that I’ve become stuck. Unable to move forward with a decision due to having too many options or the inability to come up with the right one. While I am in thought, there is usually no action.

And the tasks keep piling up.

Dreams keep getting deferred.

Perhaps I am just having a moment. Or maybe trying to break this vicious cycle that has crippled me from taking the first step towards completion.

Let me think about it.

Making Room for More Room

I have to say, trying to get organized is once of the most difficult things to accomplish when you haven’t practiced regular organization in your every day life. As I sit on the floor of my bedroom peeling through old medical bills and school documents from 3-, 4-. & 5+ years ago I grow overwhelmed with shame for having carried this pile of “stuff” from 4 different residences during that time frame. Like, what was I holding on to? Certainly my intentions were good as my overall intent was to “go through this stuff when i got time”. I’ve lost count of the many weekends I planned on organizing these papers to make life easier on me. Instead, my pile continued to grow as the years passed with duplicates and triplicates of the same….STUFF.

I’ve been at this task for the last 3 hours and I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. Oh! I managed to fill a trash bag full of papers. So that has to count for something, right? ha! Now my bedroom floor is littered with various piles of whatever.

I am trying not to grow discouraged, but I can’t help but daydream about the days in high school when I seemed to have a grip on my “stuff”. During my little 5 minute breaks I find myself trying to pin-point when I dropped the ball on being organized. Back then at only 15, I seemed to have a better sense of what needed to stay and what needed to go. These days I’m simply “rearranging” and creating more of an organized mess if anything.

This has to stop.

Unfortunately this trait has reared it’s little head in many areas of my life, leaving my desk at my job to be the only organized area. I know it’s a stretch but, go with me on this.

Many of the little things that aren’t together in your life show up in other areas unnoticed for a long time until things get out of hand. The most common being relationships. Now I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can assure you my relationship history over the last 4 years has been a lot like these piles on my bedroom floor: short and everywhere. I’m averaging about 6 months tops if I’m lucky. 4 months is the norm. I guess that is to be expected the older you get and the more exposure you gain as you go along.

It took for the ending of the last dating situation I just had for me to realize: I need to organize this “organized mess” in this corner or my room once and for all. Perhaps by organizing the more important things in my life will allow me to have a better grip on externalities that are not 100% within my control; like the guy turning out to be complete emotionless person who become comfortable too quickly. Yeah, totally not my fault.

I now have one pile for randomness just waiting to either be thrown out of filed away some place. The good thing is that the organized mess is finally organized, equipped with only the necessary things that need to remain until further notice. The most vital of that mess is me. And you can bet your last dollar that this mess won’t ever get out of hand again.

Annndddd She’s BACK!

Today, I stop worrying. I’ve realized several times over that all I have is right now. However, my need to be prepared as much as possible has hindered me from doing the very things my heart desires. In some ways it has even crippled me to the point of not moving at all. This is no way to live; especially when the purpose of life is to LIVE, not just function. The body knows what to do until it expires. I woke up a few mornings and asked myself “Tami, if you were to die today, would you be happy with all that you’ve done or upset because you didn’t get to do what you wanted?” I didn’t have an answer for awhile but now I do. That answer is “No.” With that said, DO. LIVE! You will only be doing yourself a total disservice by not.

“I don’t like weave…”, he said.

The secret’s out. In fact, there’s probably an open discussion about the type of hair a woman is wearing and the admiration one has for its quality happening right now.

That’s not what he said to me though.

I’m currently dating this guy who feels that weave takes away from one’s beauty (more specifically mine since he said it to me). Although I beg to differ, I honestly believe weave has nothing to do with a way a woman looks. It’s just HAIR! Even though I was flattered at the fact that the underlying message to that statement was that he admired my “natural” beauty, I was quite offended that he believes extensions take away from it.

HAIR’s my theory (see what I did there?):

My wearing weave takes away from the idea of  seamlessly running your fingers through it in the bedroom.

I get it. Feeling a track while trying to perform passionate acts of love during intercourse was not what you envisioned. That type of interruption can be a bit disturbing if you’re not prefaced with the “this is not mine/please don’t touch” disclaimer. However, weaving techniques have improved drastically since it’s inception to avoid situations like sudden removal from tugging too hard. If it moves, let that be a reflection on the stylist and not the owner or her beauty.

Luckily for him, this is not a deal-breaker; but it’s toeing the line. I am in possession of a full head of hair but enjoy wearing others to avoid damage to my own. I believe the correct term is “protective styling”. And just like any relationship, there has to be some compromise. Weave, unfortunately, is not one of them.

Signed,

Beautiful Regardless

 

Long time, No See

After perusing a few hashtags and posts by random bloggers, I figured it was time to really put my blog to some use. I have never thought myself to be a writer but I enjoy expressing my thoughts in words exactly how I’d say them out loud. Since I don’t journal as often as I use to (thanks to Instagram and Twitter, my thoughts have gone electronic), it’s time to make use of this blog. I’ve wasted enough time trying to figure out what type of blog I want this to be instead of just letting it…be. Simple enough, right? Whatever, I’ll worry about the rest later.

If this is your first time on my blog, I recommend reading my post about the F-word. You are sure to be entertained.

Enjoy!